Hahaha, the title of this entry is funny because… like… HOW DO I KNOW? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. I just know in the middle of the night, when every one is asleep, I’m listening to angry music. I think… maybe I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one who feels this way.
I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I don’t know if I do feel… I’m drowning… in an empty pit of darkness. Do I keep struggling day in and day out? Should I even be asking that? I don’t know what to do anymore.
Everyone in my life has told me, “talk to Jenny.” But like, what is she going to do? Ask me the standard questions:
“Can you do the things you normally do? Are less sad or more sad?”
Shit like that. And like, that’s the problem. I can’t… I don’t know. I can’t feel. I only feel when I’m with him… and I can’t be with him if I want her. I can’t have them both.
There’s actually a song that describes this perfectly.
“To be loved and love at the highest count means to lose all the things I can’t live without. Let it be known that I will choose to lose, It’s a sacrifice, but I can’t live a lie. Let it be known, let it be known that I tried.” – Adele
How long can I go on living without him? How long does it take for me to be okay without him? How long will it take for me to happy?
Okay, I should preface. I AM happy. I love living here, with Whitney. I just… a piece of me is missing. He’s a big piece of me. And… he’s doing perfectly fine. It’s like… it’s like he forget about me. I know, I know he didn’t. But… I’ve spent half of my time up here, with Whitney, laying in bed. Ignoring my dog. Ignoring chores. Ignoring work.
I feel awful that I’ve put this on Whitney. Sometimes, I wonder how she feels. If she feels she “stole” me from him. I don’t feel that way. I made the choice. I made the decision to put myself through this.
I just have to figure out who I am without Buckley… how long that will take, I don’t know.
But…
I don’t know.
The SJ Chronicles 